It is 6:30am Sat morning Jersey time and I have not slept since Thursday night. So, mix in my delirium with the horribleness that was my night and you have me blogging and venting. Tonight me and the boyfriend had THE TALK OF ALL TALKS. He has the ability to drive me crazy, infuriate me, worship him, and want to choke him out all in one hot flash of a moment. I fucking hate him and I fucking love him. He is my biggest enemy and my strongest ally.
Tonight was wretched. I went out. Dressed like the full blown man-eater I am with my girls. Five hot chicks basically wreaking havoc in NYC. I really felt on top of the world. I was celebrating my kickass school week, sugar week, work week...everything. Literally, my life was up for celebration. I was wasted within a couple hours. Drunkenly partying it up and dancing the night away.
[Text 1] "I heard you got your phone back. Had to hear about it from _____. Are you fucking with me?"
IGNORED.
[Text 2] "I'm not up for your shit. Come outside"
my reply: "I'm not home. Ciao :)"
[Text 3] "I'm outside the club. I'm waiting"
FUCCCCCKKKK. Everything was sooo good. sooo perfect. I still have no idea how he knew where I was but here it goes.
I came out really sloppy and silly. I'm a happy drunk. Smiling from ear to ear...still feeling the thump of the music in my ears. It was freezing and I was in the tinniest outfit. I got in his car. Invited him in. No, he wasn't in the party mood. He came to argue with me. Argue with me at 3am. Argue with me about not having my number at 3am!! Argue with his ex girlfriend about not having her number when she goes out to NYC without him looking AMAZING....at 3am! Ugh I went nuts. Literally flipped out. I just couldn't handle it. Yell. Scream. Kick. Push. I was livid.
{Sidenote: If ever you are to meet me you know I am the calmest chick in existence. Known amongst my crowd as "mellow yellow." Never angry or mad. calm and collected. ALWAYS. except with the Boyfriend. I am insanely passionate with him. We can't discuss wall paper without thing getting heated.}
So, the whole episode lasted just about 3 hours. He wants to hold on to me. He doesn't want me to leave. He wants me to stay. He wants me to suffocate. I'm sick of holding my breath.
And really if it wasn't for this sugar week looking full of potential I would fallen back into the cycle. The ugly cycle that we are. It has been 5.5 yrs of perpetual agony. I just can't hold my breath anymore.
I'm in the weirdest frame of mind. I am so distraught about what he has put me through. So annoyed that I missed the afterparty of my celebration night. So happy that all the potential SD's without even knowing it have pulled me through to kick his ass to the curb. And so tired from the lack of sleep.
I ramble when I'm sleepy. Goodnight.
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This is an amazingly well-written post. I feel like I'm right there with you.
ReplyDeleteI had a 4.5 year long relationship with a boy and it was just like you describe - I loved him, I hate him, and until I met my (current, 1000X better) boyfriend, I thought I couldn't live without him. He pulled shit like this all the time - showing up where I was, making my special days hell with pointless arguments, the whole nine yards.
Now that I'm with my current bf I see how much better my life is without all that DRAMA. I'm happy and relaxed 24/7 now, and we love being around each other as much as possible. Get out while you still can, girlfriend!
Awww Sugar Kitten! I can't believe I just saw this! You totally rock. thanks for the advice. In these situations as you already know it's always helpful to hear from other girls who experienced this and got through it! You rock and I hope one day I get that awesome BF that can show me how awful this one is :)
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